we made him Dad

a late night snack and a letter to my firstborn

i’m up, it’s 3am and i’m thinking of you. i used to do this all the time when you were in my belly. you’d want a snack every night at this time. this morning you’re sound asleep upstairs and i’m thinking of you. wondering if it’s okay to leave you. feeling guilty for making plans months in advance without realizing i’m going to be out of the country on father’s day. dad and i put that together while we were out to brunch on mother’s day. we were gutted. i’m still not over it. i hope celebrating big when i get home will make up for it. you’re going to have so much fun doing boy things with your uncle and cousin.

you woke up crying just now, haven’t been feeling well. maybe you woke up from nightmares or maybe it’s because of your runny nose. i miraculously rock you back to sleep, i don’t have much practice in this area, you never wake up in the middle of the night. i try to go back to bed, but realize i’m hungry. i pull open the fridge and sniff the milk to make sure it’s still good, a smile broadens across my face when a sweet smell hits my nostrils instead of a sour one. i reach above the fridge for the tupperware sealed box of cheerios in the cabinet because i’m a mom now, moms think like that. we buy containers for food that already comes in a box to make it last longer.

grabbing the tupperware i notice i’m already mentally preparing for a let down, surely those cheerios are stale by now. but i can hear by the way the cereal tinkles against the plastic that they’re still good and crispy. i peel the lid back and pop one into my mouth with a satisfying crunch, we’re in business! i grab a bowl and fill it all the way up and pour the milk almost to the brim knowing i’ll be back for seconds.

i’m instantly transported back in time and we’re in westport and i’m pregnant with you. my belly is big and i’m sniffing around after the milk and reaching for the cereal on my tip toes. with a full bowl of cereal and a giant spoon, i stand in front of the window and look out at the ocean, chomping on my cheerios, still stunned that this is our view and that i’m pregnant with you.

sleep comes more easily now, but i can’t make it all the way through the night uninterrupted. it’s no longer the falling asleep that i struggle with, it’s the staying there. i can’t make it through the night without a little snickity snack. i’m shocked by how expensive cheerios are these days. i don’t have much of a choice with our singular boutique grocery store in town, just a quick thirty minute drive for a nine dollar box of cheerios. feels like a lot for a box of cereal, probably the most simple cereal of all time. but i can’t live without em, so i buy one box at a time and stay on the lookout for family-sized deals when i find myself at a supermarket.

the moon lights up the whole sky and creates a runway path of glistening light across the ocean. i’m grateful for a little light because this house can be so creepy at night. i spoon a bite of soggy and crunchy cheerios into my mouth, finally reaching the end of my two and a half bowls, chewing thoughtfully. i’m already playing mental tug of war with myself, reminding myself not to stay awake too long, i don’t want my body to wake up completely.

but it’s so beautiful outside and my belly is growing and it feels so good to be in this moment. to just hold you in my belly and soak up this in between time. i love this time. these moments when i’m not preoccupied by my pain and i just get to be in this dreamy liminal space.

i imagine what kind of mother i’ll be and how we’ll spend our first months. i have endless things that i want to tell you and i just want you to be a good friend. i want you to treat people well and be kind and generous. i want you to know how to put other people first and i want you to know how to choose yourself too.

i want you to be the type of family member who shows up to gatherings and stays connected with your cousins. you’ll have all of your grandparents in your life when you’re born and i want you to understand how special that is. you will respect your elders and oh my god, they are going to love the shit out of you.

you’re going to learn that i don’t always have the answers, and dad and i are fallible. i promise we’ll say sorry when we make mistakes. but don’t worry that we don’t have it all figured out, because you have a whole team of aunties and uncles with differing viewpoints to consult with. trust the adults who make up our family and know that you can go to any one of them for help or a voice of reason.

oh — and you have a dog! you’re going to love him. hudson takes such good care of us right now. he is always by my side and loves it when you kick flip in my belly. when i get out of the shower he shoves his snout in between the door and the door jam and shakes it back and forth until the door pops open and he can wiggle his way through to get ready with me. i apply my belly oil and he sniffs so close that he gets some on his nose. sometimes he tries to lick the stuff right off of my tummy. he loves the way you smell. he loves you so much already.

and most importantly, you’re going to make my favorite person in the world, Dad.

DATING DAD

it’s ten days into our, whatever this is, and we haven’t spent more than a day apart. there are a million reasons why we shouldn’t have this much time to hang out, but it’s all we want to do, so we do it anyway.

i’m twenty six and a full time yoga teacher and the first employee at a tech startup. i carry no fewer than two sets of yoga clothes, four changes of underwear, deodorant and my laptop at all times. i teach all over the city from fidi to dumbo to harlem. dad is about a year into starting his company and has zero interest in leaving the east village to go to crown heights, so we’re at his place a lot.

i’m fresh out of a situationship before that term was a thing and dad’s about a year out of his relationship with the girl he was dating when we met after college. the timing is kind of perfect but also incredibly unexpected. i’ve known dad for years, always thought he was cute and a little annoyingly cocky, but not much beyond that. i should also note that he was also practically married to his girlfriend when we first met, he was the only person i knew who had a live-in girlfriend in college.

so, six years later when dad and i start flirting and hanging out it feels very low stakes, probably a good rebound from my summer thing. but then one night i come over to dad’s place after teaching, as i have been for almost two weeks, he buzzes me into the building and a delicious smell hits me in the face. i and a little skip to my step hopeful that the smell is coming from dad’s apartment, he opens the door and i’m excited to see him, but honestly even more excited about whatever this smell is. that i get to eat more for dinner than just the power bar i shoved down my throat on the subway.

“what are you making?” i drop my lululemon backpack on its unofficial spot on his floor.

“oh, just a little soup, i was craving it. you hungry?”

i’m always hungry, i’m a yoga teacher. i’m fucking pumped. “yeah, sure!”

we sit down on his ikea couch and he drizzles olive oil on top of the portuguese kale soup. fancy! “i’ve never had this kind of soup before, it’s really good.” i tell him. holy fucking shit it’s good.

internally i begin to panic a little, cooking dinner for a girl is so not casual, if he keeps making me dinner this is not going to stay easy breezy, there are going to be feelings and i don’t know if he’s ready for feelings. i don’t even know if i’m ready for feelings. i just had so many feelings with the last guy and honestly i am not doing that again.

the next morning i wake up and i’ve been restless all night. fuck, fuckity fuck, fuckkkk i cannot do this if he is going to start cooking for me. nope, no, no thanks. this was so not the plan. either he’s open to a relationship or he’s not, but i gotta figure this out right now.

i’m teaching a seven am yoga class in a luxury high rise in fidi. is six am too early for the relationship convo? dad is not a morning person. eh, well, too bad.

“hey” i nudge his shoulder to try and wake him up, i’m greeted with half an open eye looking back at me. “hey, sorry, i know it’s early. this is so weird. i just gotta know — i know you said you’re not looking for anything serious, but then you made me dinner last night and we’re hanging out all the time. and listen, it’s okay if you don’t want anything serious, but i just need to know because if you’re going to cook for me i am going to catch feelings and i just am not into that if you’re not doing feelings right now. are you open to a feelings right now? like not a relationship in this moment, but maybe it could turn into one?”

“uhh,” he rubs his eyes and squints up at me as he props himself upright against his headboard “hey, sorry. no, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now. i just got out of a long term relationship, and i just started my business, that has to be my first priority.”

“okay, yeah. nope, totally get it. okay, well, i’m glad i asked. this has been fun, but i really can’t mess around like this. thank you for letting me know!” i run out the door and throw all of my disappointed energy into teaching an extra challenging yoga class.

around ten am after teaching two classes i get a text from dad saying “hey, sorry, i feel like i was half asleep this morning and wasn’t really able to have that conversation. i’d love to take you out to dinner tonight and try that again, if you’re free.”

wow. a dinner date AND a relationship conversation? boys never take me out on proper dates, i’m in.

“when and where?”

during dinner we talk about the reality of dad’s work life and both of our fears about getting hurt, but we can’t deny that we’re both starting to catch feelings. so we agree to take it one step at a time. i’m pretty thrilled, but also very much trying to play cool girl and did not confirm or deny if we were seeing other people or not. so about a month later i’m anxious again like, “wait, but are we exclusive?”

a pause.

“do you want to have kids?”

“like, now?”

this was not usually how this conversation went, by the way. at our age in new york city it was actually incredibly early to be talking about kids and i was a little spooked that maybe dad wanted a baby right away.

“no, not now. but you know, we’re twenty six, if this were to become serious one day i’d want to know now.”

“umm yeah, yeah i want to have kids. but not anytime soon. is that a dealbreaker for you?”

“yeah, i just wouldn’t want to explore anything if we weren’t on the same page. i definitely want to be a dad one day.”

“okay, cool… but like, not anytime soon right?

“no, definitely not. not anytime soon.”

“cool, yeah, i definitely want to be a mom one day.”

and that was kind of the beginning of the end for us. actually, we had a lot of conversations like that, too many in fact, until dad finally starting calling me his girlfriend nine months later and asked me to be his date to uncle mike’s wedding. ANYWAY. now i’m thirty three and i’ve got you in my belly and you and i are about to make dad’s biggest dream come true.

you’re gonna flip when you meet him. he’s the best. he’s so much fun. he’s the silliest person i know, but most people know him as pretty serious. you’ll get to see the silly parts more, just like me.

i can tell he’s so excited to meet you. these days he gets this misty-eyed look on his face when he sees your cousin. he’s really leaning into being Uncle Dan right now. he’s extra sweet and funny dancing around the kitchen, chasing after your cousin and i know he’s thinking about you. he’s in the in between just like me, dreaming about how much he’s always wanted you. how much he’s always wanted to be a dad.

THE FIRST FORTY DAYS

i’ve honestly never seen him happier.

you’re a couple weeks old now and every day after we say goodnight and hand you off to nat, daddy and i sit down on the couch to watch something together and he breathes out “i just love being a dad so much.” and then he goes on to rattle off a dozen reasons why, from that day alone. it’s the cutest thing and also sometimes i’m like I KNOW YOU DO. but who could really be annoyed hearing that? certainly not me.

—

your room used to be dad’s office. in three years of working from home that was dad’s first dedicated workspace, but we always knew it would be temporary. i sort of thought that i’d decorate your nursery and get it all beautiful for you, but we weren’t really sure where dad was going to work when you got here. i was hoping he’d get an office at a coworking space, but that never happened. as your nursery furniture arrived it was built up around his desk. it drove me crazy, but it just was what it was.

it wasn’t until i had my last appointment with the midwives, the one where they told me you’d be here in a couple of days, that i finally put my foot down and got dad to move his desk upstairs. thank god, because my water broke the next morning.

it’s not an ideal setup we have right now. it’s kind of crazy. daddy works out of the kitchen and you and i spend all of our time downstairs in your room. sometimes you and i will go for a walk, but it’s honestly so difficult to try and time the gaps in his meetings with the gaps in your nap times and i never know if you’re going to squawk or scream out when i try to get you bundled up and ready. it feels so crazy to sneak around our own house, but dad and i are working two very different and very loud jobs under the same roof right now.

seeing you and dad together during the day makes it all worth it though.

dad has a song for everything. the doctors say one of the ways to help you release gas is to move your hips, so dad cups your tiny diapered butt in one hand and props up your back with another and circles your hips. he has this whole song and dance — wiggle wiggle wiggle — by lil jon or something. you love it.

he thinks it’s hilarious to put you in his beanies and hats. you’re so small swimming in them, i can’t deny that he’s right. you’re still such a smushy newborn, but we think you’re cute as heck. in just a handful of months you’ll become obsessed with grabbing hats off people’s heads and as a toddler you’ll never want to leave the house without one of your own.

there are endless songs, rhymes and games dad makes up with you, i feel guilty that it makes me worry that i’ll never be capable of being that creative with you. right now i’m so caught up in every task i need to complete to take care of you. i look at you and i see and endless to do list and i take you so seriously. you’re my job, after all. and dad helps me realize that i do need to lighten up a bit… okay, a lot actually. because in fact you are a baby and a little playfulness goes a long way.

but dad leads the charge there and i learn from how goofy he is with you, how he tries different things to make you laugh. he loves wearing you on his chest just like i do, and prefers wearing the stylish ying yang carrier over the more athletic one and i think that’s adorable. he loves running errands with you and facetiming grammie and papa before bed.

there’s a lot of air guitar happening. you love music so much, i credit blasting music in the car when i was pregnant, it seems to have really paid off. we always have it playing in the house because we want you to be surrounded by music, but it also seems to comfort you. i can’t stand kids music so you listen to my music and you love a good beat. when dads in charge he’s playing green day or some punk band from his youth and takes your little hands and has you strumming the air guitar across your chest.

dad never stops talking about us, you and me. when daddy and i first met it all he could talk about was the business and now all he can talk about is you and how much he loves being a dad. he boasts about how proud he is of me being a mom. i love how we’ve changed him and i love how much he wanted to be changed.

we’ve never been more relaxed in our new roles as mom and dad and at the same time it is the single most intensely stressful time of dad’s business. i’ve been standing by him as he builds this company for almost a decade and the only thing that’s consistent is how exponentially more stressful it gets with each phase of the business. i don’t know how he does it. it looks awful, but he loves it and he’s so fucking good at it. my favorite meetings to overhear are the sales ones, i can tell how much he loves his team and how excited he gets to work with them. but he’s working around the clock and the pressure is heavier than it’s ever been. yet he puts it all aside for us, every single day, multiple times a day.

dad always finds a way to put down his work and prioritize us.

he knows that no matter how pressing work is, we’re more important. we’ll always be more important now. and not just in emergencies, but in the everyday sense.

dad’s still not a morning person, but he bounds out of bed for you. he’s fed you your three am bottle since you were two weeks old. he’d have you on his lap for every meeting if it wouldn’t detract from the focus.

i don’t know how he does it all, but he’s also our personal chef. after work he goes grocery shopping and comes home to cook for us. some nights we go out and sometimes we do takeout, but mostly he cooks for us. i’m so grateful that i don’t need to think about meals. dad is so good at cooking and it relaxes him and it brings him so much joy to see how happy his food makes me.

dad is always looking for ways to carve out more time with you.

we’ve shifted your sleep schedule because seven to seven is too early. at eight to eight dad gets to see you before he goes to work and hang out with you at the end of the day. all of us pile on the couch with hudson and just decompress together. it’s so cute to see hudson sniffing you. he really doesn’t understand why you don’t want to play with him. he’ll nuzzle your body in the baby lounger, sometimes a little too hard, and look defeated when you don’t push back and play. he doesn’t understand that your body doesn’t work like that yet.

and when we put you to bed we reflect on how much we love you. dad says how much he just loves being a dad about a dozen times and i try to come down off the hamster wheel that is being a full time mom.

i nuzzle into dad’s arms and think back to how we’ve always wanted this and how we’ve never had any fantasy that this would be easy, but you are. no matter which way you slice it being a parent is a ton of work, but you’re gentle with us. and dad is so down to change every diaper, read every book, pick out your outfits and take you on adventures. he brings you to dinner with the fellas so i can have a night to myself and he stays home with you when i go out with my girlfriends.

we dedicate our weekends to family and time for daddy and i to recharge on our own too. dad takes saturday afternoons and i have sunday mornings. there’s no time limit or rushing allowed when we take our solo time, sometimes it bleeds into the majority of the day and it feels so nice to take care of each other in this way. when we’re not doing our own thing it’s just the three of us and family dinner with lola, papa and tita on sundays.

we’re so lucky to have a dad like yours. your father is the most ambitious person i know and the way he cares for you is the most beautiful thing to witness. i’m so proud of him for doing it all. i could never do what he does and he does it with such grace and such lightness, even on the endless work days.

i gotta run, you’re waking up now, but good news! my trip to europe got postponed, so we’ll be celebrating him together this weekend on his second father’s day. i cannot wait <3